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Lord Give Me Patience Today

Lord give me patience today because if you give me strength I might throw my back talking screeching child all the way to the moon! And I’m not paying for a rover to go search for him when I calm down either! Pfffftttt!!! There I said it! I’m the mean mom today! Judge away world!

Have you ever had a day where you try to do everything right and no matter how hard you try your child just refuses to cooperate? Welcome to life as a single mom witha child with autism and sensory processing disorder! It’s not always pretty and there is a lot of built up frustration that comes along with parenting one of these unique and amazing individuals.

In my case Middle has been making high pitched screeching noises for about a month now every 2 minutes or so. I usually get used to the little tics, noises, and movements but this one is seriously eating at my last nerve this week! It’s hard enough to comprehend that he doesn’t have control over these things. But this child literally seems to do it more the more times I ask him not to! He literally smirks in my face and then mimics everything I have said back to me in this little singsong voice he has made up and I swear it’s the hardest thing in the world for me to just walk away and choose my battles.

And now that I have been made to snap…Yes that’s right, I yelled and grounded him to his room for hitting his brother for the 50th time today and stealing the game during his brothers turn again….I sit here feeling guilty wondering if I could have reacted differently or worded things not quite so angrily? Perhaps I should let him out of his room sooner than I was going to? Perhaps I was too harsh letting all the noises of the outside world affect how I reacted to my son? Or maybe just maybe I’m so stressed out and feel that I have nowhere to turn for any answers or guidance with him. I’m just at my ends wit and crying about it is getting me nowhere. That simply isn’t a solution. I have to get on the internet and search high and low for the “correct” way to react to this situation and the many more I will surely encounter over the years!

I was not ever properly trained in how to deal with sensory processing disorder. The Drs kind of said that’s what he had and gave me a little reading material. I have yet to find a course in Saint John that guides parents of autistic children and that saddens me greatly knowing that there are this many children here with disabilities and that all these young parents are left to just wing it! It’s so hard to find something that works with children like this because they are each so unique. I try all the advice I can get and just pray that something will work.

Middle is sitting on the middle of his floor with his lego all spread out in a circle around him, color coded as usual, and he doesn’t seem to be aware that anything even went down. I sometimes think that it affects me more than him. He just carries on like nothing even happened. I however have hit a wall and am living in the guilt I have created for myself.

Not only do I need to learn about dealing with my child’s condition but I also have to learn how to handle my own overwhelming emotions when it comes to dealing with him. I’m always second guessing myself when it comes to him and I just hope I’m making good choices for him. I just want him to be happy in this world of chaos. But how do you do that without being taught how? I have been living with this little person for 12 years now and I still don’t have a clue sometimes. Other days I feel like I can handle it all and have it under control. My life is a whirlwind of emotions and I am a leaf blowing recklessly through the commotion. This to shall pass but first I’m going to need that patience I was asking the lord for!


Published by kristaiswriting

Writer, Mother of three, Wanderlust Soul, Freelancer, Blogger, Cat Lover, Sharing my Journey

2 thoughts on “Lord Give Me Patience Today

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