So it’s not often that I post anything personal but I literally have nobody else to tell my story to. Not anybody that even slightly wants to listen anyways. This is just something I’m writing spur of the moment to try to get my brain to stop and maybe even get a couple of likes on my post and quite possibly even feel heard for once if you could believe it. Although that would be a strange feeling for me as I haven’t felt that in, well let’s face it, many years!
Between the state of my apartment from the flooded basement, non working taps, and lights that don’t work in my whole upstairs and trying to be the only one juggling anything to do with keeping us afloat and doing all the housework and raising my three children,one of which is autistic, by myself I honestly don’t even know where to start anymore. So here I sit teary eyed unsure of what to even do with any of it anymore writing to try to get rid of the negative emotions.
I’ve reached out to the city and my landlords, NB Housing btw, and even the council members multiple times and chase every lead that I get. Everybody agrees that this is unacceptable and unhealthy to live like this yet nobody actually does anything. They just leave me and my kids to sit in this rancid mess and nobody fixes anything. They haven’t even come back to pick up the HEPA machine they placed in my basement in July and haven’t cleaned up since the flood either! Anything removed was lifted and tooken out by me and my 3 little kids for gods sake. Which the girl on the phone from service master informed me that they thought they did it a week ago. They had it marked on their sheet. Well what happened to July and August? They just didn’t think they should clean the moldy mess before then? That my family should sit in the moldy sewage stench? Like their machine was hit 4 more times by recurring floods and I wasn’t rescuing it! Not this time! Usually I would. I simply don’t care to risk my life, as the water rises above the electrical, to salvage their machine when they didn’t help salvage anything of mine or replace it! Not my circus, not my monkey!
Then from the so called ⚡️ electricians housing hired who are redoing the electrical next door (in the old meth 💉 shack beside me that the junkies tore all the wires and pipes out of the 6 months they were living there) ALL of my lights 💡 blew out at once on the top floor and shot a lightning bolt ⚡️ into the hallway from the lightbulb 💡 thingy. I hollered at the men from out my window and told them what had happened. They said they were calling their boss and left never to be seen again. NOBODY has shown up yet! This whole building is a 🔥 🔥 fire hazard ⚠️ and it’s a townhouse 🏡 so they will lose not one but 6 apartments at least if this goes up! And nobody is doing a damn thing about any of it! I’m appalled and shocked by this!
I have called my case manager at HRDC and social workers to try to get help to just move me somewhere I can afford it. I’m on a fixed income and in Housing so my rent can’t be over 450 and I’m not finding a 3 bdrm for any less than $1000 without anything included! I’m getting nowhere’s with them. I don’t know where else to reach out to? Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated! You can add them in the comments at the bottom!
My washer and dryer died in the last flood as the water reached the tops of them and went inside. It now costs me at the very least $100 a month to do laundry for myself and my three kids. Again making it so I can’t get ahead or even begin to try to save to purchase a new ones! I’m lost in an abyss of laundry that’s sitting in garbage bags throughout my bedroom,hallway,and living room. As if the raunchy stench from the basement wasn’t bad enough let’s add 10 bags of dirty smelly kids laundry and blankets to the mix and let it sit here for a month! Sure! Great idea! So many people have told me they would help me yet nobody has shown up when supposed to or even just drop me off with it at the laundromat. It’s freaking heavy and I only weigh 95 lbs and have to lug my 3 preteens along! It feels like an impossible task and I can only lug a couple bags at a time, when I can afford it.
All of the stuff from my basement is stored in my living room including my kids 3 bikes. I don’t know what to do with it besides throw it all out as I literally have no room as it is. Me and my 3 kids are jammed into the upstairs three bedrooms when we actually need four! I used to occupy the living room but I can’t even do that anymore! My whole life has been flipped upside down for fucks sake!
So not only do we lose absolutely everything from my basement flooding, but we lose the stuff I actually risked myself to rescue from it too? Like my Christmas tree that took me years to acquire. All my kids school supplies and toys were down there. Their school papers. Their winter coats and boots. I mean EVERYTHING! I’m so distraught that I have to live like this!And that’s not even the half of it. I just don’t have the mental capacity to put everything wrong with this place in one post right now! It’s so frustrating.
I’m embarrassed that this is the situation I have me and my kids stuck in. Im hopeless and feel like I have nothing left to give anymore. I’m supposed to be the reliable adult that they depend on. The ONLY one they have to depend on as their father is out there building a life for himself as he calls it. I call it being a selfish prick! And I feel like I’m failing miserably as a mother not that he would do much better with all his rules and stern fists. I don’t have any real friends to talk to. Just the people I’ve met online in the book groups and booktok and I feel very much alone. I am so depressed it’s hard to even get up and get dressed everyday and most days I sleep until school is over and the kids return. I dont see any difference when I clean and can’t stand the smell downstairs. It’s musty and moldy and disgusting and has this indistinguishable smell almost like a cleaner or gas or something. I can’t quite place it but it completely churns my stomach. I can’t even access my living room or tv or bookshelves. There are boxes stacked high on walls and on my couch. I don’t have anywhere else to put the basement stuff.
I still haven’t recovered the deep freeze full of food that I lost due to the last flooding. I’m simply too far behind to even try. It’s been hard to just keep food in my house at all and budget out laundry, school supplies, and everything else life has thrown at me! At this point I just want to sleep until this is all over! I’m literally spent and have nothing left to give! So I thought perhaps writing this out will help me to overcome this numbing depression I’m drowning in. Worth a shot I suppose!
So here is my first actual piece of writing for my blog! My first piece I’ve ever really shown to anyone actually. I’m shy with my writing. Lots written but none shown to anyone lol. I hope you all enjoy the insight into me. It’s not always pretty. It’s usually quite chaotic and messy actually. But this is it. This is my life! Welcome to the show, I’d usually charge $1.99 to stick around and watch the show, but for you guys it’s free!
I have a Flood Donation link set up if anyone is able to donate my little family would appreciate it so very much and I promise to pay it forward as soon as I’m on my feet again. I just haven’t gotten a single donation and I have been trying to since July. I’ve been sharing it on all my socials yet nobody has even clicked my link. I’m not sure what else to do or what I’m doing wrong at this point.
Anyways here’s my linktree and you can find my Donation link in there or follow my socials and keep up with my crazy!
Thanks for all the follows and likes and comments. You guys don’t even know how much you all mean to me! Honestly, I know I’m never actually alone because I have friends all over the book community, it’s just hard when they are behind a screen and not actually in front of you to make meaningful connections. Thank you to all of YOU for being here to support me on my bookish adventures and blog journey! Your so appreciated!
I’m calling this one Deepest. I may change it a bit or add more later but here’s what I am feeling so far.
💖🦋💖 Deepest 💖🦋💖
I feel like I’m drowning! It’s like my life is the water and I keep feeling the undeniable pressure on my shoulders telling me to just give up and sink. Gasping so hard for air and scratching the surface of the water with hands that have been bound. It’s difficult to remember exactly how I was brought here. Put into his predicament.How this became my non existational crisis. Thinking takes a lot of energy and my brain just isn’t processing it right. It’s fuzzy almost. I feel the ice cold liquid filling my lungs now.
Allowing it all for once to just be weightless. I’m so tired of holding it all on top of my head, like a girl balancing books looking for her mother’s approval yet never receiving it! They are staying atop of my head just fine, it’s the swaying back and forth I must refrain from, before it all comes crashing and tumbling down into an enormous heap of a mess. Much like my life would. Combust and just explode the meaningless guts across the bright white and sparkling clean polished tiles that have clearly been taken such great care of.
Much more tenderness and nurturing than I have ever been granted. I flail around aimlessly knocking into things but it’s dark and I can not see. Escape is not an option. How do you run from the demons in your own mind and the rugged bounds that tie your soul? Who do you turn to when there is absolutely nobody in this whole huge world that cares, much less notices you for that matter.
I scream yet nobody hears me, although they watch my lips as they try to make the sounds come out. It is useless and I sink.
Deeper, deeper, deeper.
There is no net being thrown. No life vests or tanks of air. No all I am met with is their wishing it was over already cold stares. Inhaling the icy drops as they fill my mouth and nose. Starting to slowly fade away. Each piece floating above the break in the water. I try to reach for them but remember my hands are bound. I point and try to stretch my arms. But nobody watching makes a sound. Perhaps it’s just my demons, come here to watch me drown. So I give them what they want and I sink.
Deeper, deeper, deepest.
Copyright © 2021 Krista Barton One Page At A Time
So there it is. My first real writing published on my site. And I’m so lucky to get to share it with all of you! Thanks for being an open ear to listen and showing me support! I’m not sure where I’d be without you guys! Please feel free to share with your fellow reader friends! I love all the books and the amazing people that come along with them! The more the merrier! I hope to see you there and would love to hear your thoughts on my poem Deepest and if you want to see more let me know in the comments section! Here is my Linktree URL again so you can keep up with me! Cheers 🥂
Follow All My Links Here: https://linktr.ee/Coffeeandchaos19
Donations for Flood Fund Here: https://one-page-at-a-time-graphic-designs.square.site/donation-fundraiser-for-one-page-at-a-time-flood-fund
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