I told you guys a couple weeks ago that I was participating in NaNoWriMo for the first time this year. I was so excited to write my novel and get it done in 30 days! I was going to write ALL the words plus more and I was so determined to do it! Welp, I’ve discovered I really suck at it!
Fast forward to this week. I have since had my three middle school children home to do online learning as New Brunswick’s CUPE workers went on strike. They went back for a week but I’m hearing rumours that there is another strike planned for Monday so it didn’t last long. I do not have access to enough devices to get my littles all online at once and do not have enough space for all the programs they now need on my ancient devices! Let alone trying to keep my writing and work docs as well.
My IPad is cracked so bad I get shards of glass in my fingers while I try to design with my fingers on my sketch pad and Canva. And then when I finally get something to open it will shut down on me completely. I have three other tablets here mine you. One has a small crack but works. They are all so old that I can not get the updated programs like zoom or teams to download. So I’m left at a standstill trying to save for a new tablet on top of everything else! I’m so beyond frustrated at this point!
I can’t seem to make it to any of the live events with the authors and am missing out on all the advice that I was so needing. When I actually do get a minute to go online I have so many other things that require my attention to be done first that I always miss them. I see the notifications popping up as my kids are trying to do their stuff and it sucks not being able to participate but I have no choice as their education obviously comes first. Once in a blue moon I will actually have a chance to pop into one of the lives but I swear as soon as my kids hear me trying to do it they all coming running in at once with a different problem I’m expected to solve. So needless to say I miss the live again!
I have no time to write now either. Between keeping up with my housework, taking care of three kids and an apartment by myself, writing the blog, keeping up with my arc teams, doing reviews and trying to educate an autistic child with no idea how to even begin to and no guidance this mama is beyond spread thin. I don’t like the story I’m writing and am unsure if this is just a huge case of imposter syndrome. I don’t really know any other writers that well and nobody around me even understands what I’m going on about! So I just feel so alone and am having the hardest time actually getting the words out anymore. It feels horrible because I was so certain of this story and these characters but now I just don’t know anymore. It is hard when you lose your passion.
So I have no idea how many words I’ve written as they have all been deleted on me a few times now. I’ve started writing in a book I self proclaimed my NaNoWriMo Journal and have something like 2750 words written that I’ve counted. 2750 and it’s November 20th! I have ten days to get 45000 words and I know realistically I won’t make that goal!
I just feel like I have to start half way through now. I have lost any confidence I once thought I had and feel like this is something I will never accomplish now. I don’t have any support systems at home and don’t really know anyone who gets me. This city doesn’t seem to have many people who appreciate the arts or are passionate about writing. Maybe I just need a change of places! But how do I even begin with all this covid stuff going on? It’s like I run around in circles in my brain trying to come up with a solution and still get nowhere. I feel so lost and u sure of myself at this point.
Perhaps next year I will be more prepared and have time to accomplish such a huge task without all the covid stress and homeschool crap and not working devices. I guess this just isn’t my year after all. At least I know what to expect for next year and can prep more. I have the idea and now it’s just getting these dreaded words on the paper. I’ll keep updating my progress through the month but it’s not as exciting now that I know I can’t do it. I feel so defeated. I hope next year I am in a better place mentally and maybe this year I will just get my draft outlined and work on my character building and dialogue skills as I’m sure everyone can always learn more on these subjects. It’s like a never ending classroom when you write. Your always researching something new or learning a new rule of grammer and sometimes even a new language depending on what your writing.
Thanks to everyone who cheered me on and I hope that someday I will have this story written so you can all see some of the crazy that goes on in my twisted little mind. Until then I will take in all the advice I can and cheer on the other NaNoWriMo writers! There is a lot of talent there and I’m glad I get to learn from some of the best!
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